Five years ago today Ethin was born. I so often wonder what he would be like today.....Would he still have those beautiful blue eyes with that brown hair? Or would he look more like the J Triplets and have grown into blonde hair? Would he be a sports enthusiast like his sisters and I or would he rather just hunker down and read a book like his brother? Would he love the river the way this family does or would he rather stay on the shore? Would I be his favorite person and would he want to marry me like every little boy does with their mother?
I will never know the answers to those questions while I am here on Earth, but I know one day I will walk into my eternal home and I am certain that there will be a little boy who will run and jump into my arms. Until that day I know he is in the arms of Jesus for his birthday....Yes I am human and selfishly I wish he was in mine. However that can not be and so if not in my arms I am glad he is in God's.
I am telling you that days like today never get easier. I love God and have stopped asking why as I know His plans are so far beyond my understanding. Even on Ethin's birthday today I am so thankful to God for choosing me to be his mommy! Five years ago God gave me the gift of a son and even though his life was not long it was long enough to help fulfill God's will for my life and Ethin's whole life.
Today is a hard day for me. However hard it is I have a sense of peace about it. I know Ethin is safe, healthy, and happy. I know that God loves him and He loves me. I know that I have cried already today and I will cry more. I also know that I am not alone today. I know that God is catching every tear and is carrying me today like He carried me for the last 4 1/2 years. I know that I am not perfect nor am I all that strong. I am however perfect as Ethin's mom and I have a Savior who is strong in me!
It is OK that I cry today for my son or any other day. God knows my pain, because He lost a son once too! Yes today is hard and it seems unfair, but my son is safe in the arms of a King! On my son's 5th birthday he is in the presence of angels. My angel is among the angels. My son gets to spend his birthday with the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, the Alpha and Omega, Ethin is with the Great I Am.
With tears in my eyes what a lucky boy to spend a birthday with a King, a Prince, a Savior, the Great I Am.
Ethin,
Even though you are not here today I want you to know how much I love you. I love you so much! I wish we could be together, but that was beyond my control. I prayed so much before you were ever born and so much for you during your life. God heard every prayer and He answered the prayers. You are safe, healthy, and I know you are happy. His plans were not my plans, but His plans have become my way of life that He had in mind for both of us. I am so proud of you and the life you lived. I am forever thankful for you and can not wait to see you again.
From Earth to Heaven with tear soaked eyes Happy Birthday Punk I love you always!
Mommy
Oh and just for the inside feed about what it is like to have a birthday come up after losing a child I thought I would share.....
It's knowing he would have been 5 today and instead he is not even here.......It's waking up everyday since he has been gone dreading this the most every year......It's people forgetting as times goes by and I feel so alone in the hurt.......It's wondering all about him knowing I will not know.......It's how you are supposed to celebrate birthdays but all you can muster out is tears......It's the wanting to stay in bed curled up with his things all day, but you can't life has gone on without him.........It's the wishing everyday since he has been gone for one more moment.....And worst of all it's the knowing that there are not enough birthday wishes for that one wish.......
With Many Tears,
Jessica
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