Here is Why

I can hardly believe that a month of me blogging and sharing this journey is almost done.  Recently I have had a few people ask why I am doing this or what has inspired me to share again what this journey has been like for me.  So I thought I would share a little bit more of the journey I have been on and why I am looking back and sharing as I move forward.

First of all I am doing this for the simple fact that I know God is asking me to do so.  Not only do I know this is His desire for me, but it is His desire for others to grow in Him through the words He places in my heart to share.  The other reason for doing this is for others to see God's unconditional love, mercy, and grace.  If I went through all of what I have and continue to feel the tremors of the earthquake satan put in my life, but can still walk firmly in Jesus than maybe that will give just one other person hope.  Maybe I was feeling the need to do this because God has plans to use it to help another grieving parent to rely on Him fully.  There is a lot of maybe's, but ultimately I felt in my heart God pulling and talking to me and so here I am almost five years from the earthquake standing firm and strong.

The inspiration I am not sure is all that inspirational.  Clearly I have the scarlet letter of losing a child and knowing the rest of my Earthly life will always have an ache for Ethin.  However there is inspiration beyond that.  I lost my son and lost myself including my relationships with so many people and most importantly Jesus.  Yet here I am years later........You see it is possible to be so hurt that it seems you may never step out from the darkness and then one day you realize you are living in His light again.  My Father and Creator is my inspiration and the hope that my words will help others.

The looking back part of doing this again has been the hardest.  It has at times even been painful.  Today after work I was talking with some office ladies and I teared up just a little when I talked a little bit about finding out Ethin was going to be born with half a heart.  It was so weird as I am not even sure these poor ladies knew I had another child outside of the J Triplets.  As quick as the hurt was stinging my heart it was gone and we continued to talk.  I suppose I have a bit of explaining to do so they understand.......The hardest part is the understanding for me and for me to relay to others.

So the other day I was looking back at some original things I had wrote after Ethin had been gone for a few months and I was in so much pain.  When I look back I so badly want to reach my hand out to the mother who wrote those words and embrace her (myself) and tell her that it is going to be so different, but she will survive.  I survived!  My hope is in Him and through Him I have survived.  So many people thought I was not going to make it this far, but not only did I make it, but I am living a good and meaningful life.

If someone would have told me five years ago that I would have a good life I would have told them that they were crazy.  I would have cried and been so angry that they did not understand.  In the time since Ethin was born and died I have grown.  I have overcome obstacles and I have faced trials, but I am standing on this side of the fence telling you that God carried me the whole way.  So when you think to ask me why I am doing this why I am sharing the feelings and the life I am living it is to not only remember Ethin and know others think of him still too, but it is to bring people closer to the man that saved me; Jesus.

Standing Beyond the Earthquake,
Jessica